The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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