Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
