just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I party with great urgency now.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
