It's like a parade of train wrecks.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
