I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
