You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize