Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Randomize
