Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize