I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
