we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Terrible idea I love it
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
