Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
