If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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