Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
