I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Randomize
