I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
The uberlube is also flammable
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
