do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
