So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
