You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
