I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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