i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
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