she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Randomize
