My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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