all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
