I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
