Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
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