last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I just found puke in my bra..
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
