no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
