Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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