This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
