What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
