It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
