she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
