I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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