Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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