glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
