some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
