Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
