And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
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