I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Randomize
