call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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