If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
