I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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