Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Randomize
