I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
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