Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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