It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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