So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
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