I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
