Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
