The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
