I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
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