i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
