I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Everclear isn't food dammit
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
