you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
