She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
