He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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