Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
