I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Randomize
